Tuesday, 22 December 2015

STORY: Man Wey Dey Reason…Part 3

“ehn na me be Man, Man wey dey reason, na me
reason out dis beans and yam wey una wan chop,
if no be so, all of una for drink water and sleep with empty belle”.

A not too short and not too
chubby guy introduced himself. “i be the Ibo boy
wey grow up for Sokoto, even sultan of Sokoto
know me sef” he added after arranging the plates
of food on the floor. I instantly believed he grew up
in Sokoto because his skin was as black as
charcoal.
I knew all these guys as my church members, but i
never knew them by their names, sometimes i
always saw them with Pkc in church, but my
relationship with them was just a “hello-hi”
relationship. They were my friends from a distance
that would soon turn my bosom friends, or so i tot.
Ozommiri could be interpreted in English to mean
Riverside. Not up to 100metres behind our small
lodge lies a river. The river was a tributary of the
dreaded Otammiri River. And just in front of our
lodge was the Ozommiri bus stop. So our lodge
was called Ozommiri lodge.
We started to eat the very tasty Beans and yam.
The formation was 2-2-2-1. A one man attacking
formation, the one man attacking was Pkc. While
the rest of us ate in two’s. “Man wey dey reason!!”
Snoop hailed “dis ur food make sense oh”. I saw
from the corner of my eyes that Baba Jay was
eating with so much speed, despite the fact that
the food was piping hot. “dis food no dey burn dis
guy for mouth, abi him mouth na Ac?” i said that
out of my mind’s mouth.
“Baba jay u dey cheat me oh, i no go dey chop with
u again oh” Man complained. “na me tell u say
make u dey chop like woman? chop like man na,
abi u dey fear?” Baba jay responded. “God forbid
bad tin, if na to chop like u be man, i no wan be
man, i wan be woman” Man said as he tried
increasing his pace.
I had never lived in the same room with six guys all
my life, so i was already savouring the Euphoria of
the relationship.
Time to sleep, the bed was made. “na who go
sleep for ground na?” Man asked. “Man just sleep
for ground today abeg, tommorow we go write the
timetable for people wey go dey sleep for ground”
Pkc said. “dis house sef ehn? na every tin una dey
write timetable for, to cook na timetable, to wash
plate na timetable, to sweep house na timetable, to
fetch water na timetable, now to sleep for bed una
wan write timetable” Tega said. “e good na, so
quarel no go dey na” Baba jay said.
We chatted a bit making roof raising noise before
we started falling asleep one after the other.
I caught Insomnia that night, all i was thinking was
the kind of funny house i would spend the next one
year in.
I wished Brainbox had not slept so he would keep
me company just as he always did when we were
at Umunkoto, we would silently chat at the middle
of the night. I never knew a non-stop “thundering”
sound and a “killing” stench would keep me
company that night.
“braaaaaaaaa brooooo broooo braaaaaa
braaaaaaaaa!!” was what i heard. To be sincere, i
initially tot it was thunder or maybe someone was
beating a drum outside. It was so loud that the big
mattress we were lying on vibrated greatly. I turned
left to take my first dose of the stench.
Baba Jay was lying by my left while Snoop was
lying by my right, Brainbox was lying on the other
mattress with Pkc and Tega. I suspected no other
a’nus but Baba jay’s a’nus for the fart “crime”.
I inhaled the smell not only through my nose but
also through my mouth because my mouth was
ajar in astonishment. I was the only one awake,
Pkc was even snoring. “braaaa braaaaaa braaaaa
broooo!!” i heard another deafening fart. This time
the vibrating effect on the mattress caused a force
to pull me up. My stomach was spinning, not only
was my stomach spinning, my eyes were spinning
also. I felt Something dangling in my lower
abdomen, was it my kidney? “yeeeeh! So naso
mess go make person get kidney failure? God
forbid!!” i said to myself “God! Man pekin go
suffocate here oh, which kin smell be dis” i cried
out with both hands on my nose.
The room was dark and hot, i couldn’t see clearly.
10minutes later, the smell was gradually subsiding
when, “braabraa braaabraa braaaabraaa” Baba Jay
gave me another dose.
I hurriedly went close to the window in other to
revive my already dying kidney. It was of no use
because the smell had clouded not only the room,
but outside.
“na me be Baba Jay, the only guy wey get award
for Guiness book of record for the world best
mess” i remembered how Baba Jay introduced
himself. Indeed he deserved the Guiness book of
records award for the world best fart, he also
deserved to be given a Grammy award, because his
fart was really Good music.
All the dose of stench i had inhaled made me
“overdosed”. It was like an elixir that cured the
insomnia i had, making me sleep like a baby.
To Be Continued…
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